Regret with Madame Bovary
‘Charles’ conversation was as flat as a street pavement, on which everybody’s ideas trudged past, in their workaday dress, provoking no emotion, no laughter, no dreams… he never had any desire to go to and see a Paris company at the theatre. He couldn’t swim, or fence, or fire a pistol, and was unable to explain a riding term she came across in a novel one day…
…Emma said over and over again: ‘O God, O God, why did I get married?’
Part I, Chapter 7, Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
Emma Bovary vacillates between boredom and heartbreak throughout Madame Bovary, eventually deciding the best way to deal with her financial ruin and potentially being revealed as a multiple adulteress, is to swallow arsenic and die a painful death (of course she does, she’s a fictional heroine from 1857 who has been up to all sorts of not-very-good-wifey- things). Her spending and shagging sprees are a result of marrying the wrong man- an insignificant and decidedly not fun doctor- and regretting it almost as soon as she says ‘Oui’.
The regret that Emma feels manifests into frustration, which in turn becomes physical action; the things that this marriage lacks, such as passion and stimulation and beauty, she decides to seek on her own. She is unable to permanently shake of the feelings of disappointment at who she has bound herself to; she is someone who, rather than appearing to feel guilt at how her husband might feel, is upset because ultimately she has let herself down with choosing wrongly. And yes, the context of the novel is important: Flaubert cannot be seen to reward a woman who considers eloping with one lover, who curses ‘herself for not having given Leon her love’, because no one would publish that, but he can shine a light on what happens when you go against your true nature: you spend a lifetime regretting it.
Now obviously I would like to think that you are not reading this thinking ‘OMG YES. I totally regret marrying my husband. *Makes a Tinder profile; sets location to Paris*’ because really I am not urging you to think here about the things you regret, more how you can free yourself from this without sending the aubergine and sweat emojis to a load of Christophes and Pierres. We all have things that we have done, or not done, or said, or not said that we wish we could alter. The internet is awash with memes about walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for V you not being able to sleep replaying that whole conversation you had in 2004. But- news flash- no one has invented a time machine for you to go back to 2004 and redo that conversation with the version you have been practising for the last 20 years. Nor would I suggest DMing the person you think you upset with ‘Hey- I’m really sorry I said it was naff to wear Britney’s perfume in Superdrug’, for that way lies mega awkwardness. If you have done something truly awful then obviously you must apologise but if it is a minor infringement, something that only applies particularly to things you wish you had done, then you should really only consider apologising to yourself. And then moving on.
Affairs of the heart are always going to be more nuanced and tricksy beasts to decouple our feeling of regret from than say, not taking up a career opportunity, but that doesn’t mean that if it’s not about heartbreak that we don’t feel it keenly. For example, I have two career related regrets, one of which I allowed to eat at me for years, devouring me into fantasies of what my life could have been like if I gone to that interview at a prestigious television production company. Of course creating an alternative future, of which you have absolutely no proof would exist, is dangerous. You are pining for nothing because it does not, and cannot become reality.
As with Madame Bovary, if you want to free yourself from regret, you need to put yourself into context. What was going on for you at that time? What other mitigating factors were there at that time? How were you actually feeling at that time? Regret constantly turns our face to the past, we berate our past selves for not being better, but we are doing this from a position of hindsight and from a more mature outlook. We are more rounded and we are (hopefully) more emotionally wise.
Regret about things from our past may also include a sense of shame in ourselves but I would urge to find a way to release that. You are not the same person you were then- no seriously, not even biologically- you’ve probably regenerated completely since you rolled over that morning, with a tongue like someone had dragged road kill arse down it and a head full of spanners, clocked the figure next to you and thought ‘Oh. Well. This is… Not. Good.’
Write all your regrets down and then burn them. Close your eyes, picture the past self you are metaphorically beating up, put down your fists and give them a hug. Breathe. Look in the mirror and say ‘I’m sorry. I love you.’ every morning if you need to (you will want to cringe yourself inside out at first, but go with it). Then put on some Edith Piaf and give your lungs a good old work out.
Tout a fait maintenant: ‘Noooon, rien de rien/ Nooooon je ne regrette rien…’
Resting Brontë Face Recommends:
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
For excellent life-coaching try Jacqueline Hurst or, if you are looking for a more holistic approach then Hannah Rzysko is your woman (I have worked with both and they are the absolute best.)
Suddenly feeling as if you would like to get your Gallic on but can’t tell your ‘beaucoup’ from your ‘beau cul’? Checkout Hello French NYC